Cinephemera

DeliveranceRating: WorthyThat’s it. I’m never going out into the woods again. Screw nature. This movie does for rural forest what Jaws did for beaches and what Psycho before it did for showers. At least that’s how it was for me. There’s just too many animals that can eat you, bugs that suck your blood, weather that will either give you heatstroke or freeze your digits off, and now hillbillies that will anally rape you. So thank you, Deliverance, for giving me just one more reason to stay inside, remain pasty white and get fat off hamburgers and ramen. Oh yeah. If you do have to go into the woods, make sure you bring Burt Reynolds along with you.The Third ManRating: WorthyI’m beginning to think that Orson Welles had a clause in every one of his contracts saying that he must be given the best character introduction in the movie in which he was appearing. While Orson Welles is not the main character, and really doesn’t have that much screen time, he is certainly the most memorable part of the movie. His commanding persona steals every scene he’s in (what precious few there are). The use of tilted horizon on what felt like nearly every shot was a bit distracting but noir enthusiasts will have much to like in this great mystery story.

So this is the second week in a row that my roundup has been late. I think it’s the long weekends that I’ve had lately that have been throwing me off. Next week will be on time as scheduled even if I’m dead. That’s just how dedicated I am.

Hamlet 2
Rating: Unworthy

This was a weird viewing experience. Me and my roommate watched it together and more than several times we looked at each other with a look that said, “Am I supposed to be laughing at this?” I knew that there were funnies happening on screen but the laughter just wasn’t coming. In a way, it reminded me quite a bit of the first time I watched Napoleon Dynamite. I didn’t like it at all. The quirky humor didn’t latch onto my funny bone right away and it wasn’t until the second viewing that I was able to laugh at it. I don’t know if that’s the case with this quirky movie but somehow I doubt it. I got a few mild chuckles out of this but a few chuckles are not worth sitting through this.

The Pacifier
Rating: Unworthy

I didn’t expect much from this Disney flick and that’s exactly what I got. Really, what else can you expect from Disney these days? This is nothing more than the usual this and that. It goes through all the motions that we’ve seen a couple dozen times before. Nothing to see here people, move along. On a related note, I really, really, really don’t understand why kids in these kind of movies are always such jackasses to whatever authority figure is in their lives. It’s always like, “SHUT UP! YOU’RE NOT MY DAD! WAH!” or “YOU SUCK! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!” or “YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE!” It seems like every single movie that deals with kids has to have one or more of these lines in it at some point. For reals you dumb kids, just shut up already.You’re ruining my life!

 There Will Be Blood
Rating: Worthy

Let me get a few things out of the way here. First of all, this is a stunning technical achievement. The directing, cinematography and music are all fantastic. The acting is superb, blah blah blah. I think Paul Dano is vastly overlooked being in Daniel Day Lewis’ shadow but I found both of their performances to be amazing. Bottom line, this is a fantastically made movie.

All that said, I didn’t really like the movie that much. In the end, nobody grew, nobody changed, nothing really happened to any of these characters. Daniel Plainview is a greedy bastard at the beginning of the movie and at the end, he’s still a greedy bastard. Eli Sunday is a egotistical faith healer at the beginning of the movie and at the end, he’s still an egotistical faith healer. The only thing that changes is Plainview gets richer. Nobody is sympathetic or even likeable. There’s no reason to care about what happens to anybody. Now despite these words of critique I still think that this is a must see movie for its artistic prowess. I only wish the story had been more interesting or payed off somehow.

Bullitt
Rating: Worthy

What makes nearly every 60s action movie so cool? Pretty much everything that Bullitt has. A cool and smoothly dressed detective, sweet cars, high speed chases in sweet cars, bullets, blood, intrigue, hot ladies, and did I mention high speed car chases? In sweet cars? Yep, this detective thriller has everything you’d ever want. Honestly, what else do you need?

Bloodrayne
Rating: Unworthy

After two good vampire movies last week, it was inevitable that I would see a bad one. This also has the distinction of being my first Uwe Boll movie. As a connoisseur of bad movies, this has been a long time coming. Not that I’ve been consciously avoiding his movies, just never gotten around to one.

I never knew that anyone could make such bad fight choreography but now I know that it is entirely possible to completely bore your audience during an action sequence. How on earth did they convince Michael Madsen to be in this? Then again, he was recently seen in the not-quite-as-bad-but-still-pretty-bad movie, House. Has he too gone the way of Sam Jackson and will appear in any movie you stick under his nose? In any case, his appearance is the least confounding aspect of this film. About halfway through the movie there is a sex scene that literally occurs without story or character context. It just happens without any kind of pretext and the only reason this scene is there is so that the two characters can somehow feel “connected” and make the audience sad when one of them dies. Before this sex scene, they’d maybe said two or three sentences to each other. Why bother with character development when they can just have sex? That gets people involved in the characters right?

NO!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Rating: Worthy

David Fincher is another one of my directors and Benjamin Button is a departure from his usual work which is rather kinetic and stylish. One could almost see his previous feature Zodiac as being a stepping stone toward this film. This is not to downplay Zodiac because I love it dearly but both of these movies are rather slow and have long running times. Normally this would entail the movie would be boring but somehow he manages to keep it interesting. Despite the fact that Benjamin Button is 20 minutes shy of 3 hours in length, I never felt the length.

The cinematography is absolutely stunning and special effects are fantastic. Brad Pitt gives one of his most subdued performances to the point where I never really thought about him as being Brad Pitt. The makeup they put on him is incredible. Each stage of his life looks completely believable and it’s amazing how young they were able to make him look toward the end. It was almost like having pretty boy Brad back before I respected him as an actual actor.

The Wrestler
Rating: Worthy

A David Fincher movie and a Darren Aronofsky movie in the same week? It doesn’t get much better than that. Aronofsky’s previous film, The Fountain is one of my favorite movies ever and The Wrestler is another great film to add to his resume. This is not a happy film but like any great movie, it’s sparked some great debate among friends. All of the performances in this feel so authentic that you’d swear Mickey Rourke was an actual wrestler surrounded by other actual people. On all technical levels, it is just as stunning as Rourke’s performance.

Beyond that, any movie that can make me respect professional wrestling is doing its job.

Ahh, 2008. You gave us some great movies this year. You managed to get me out to the theater more often this year than any other. In all, I saw 32 movies released this year with 22 being at the theater. With average ticket prices being 10 bucks, that’s around 300 dollars I’ve shelled out to my local cineplex. You’re welcome movie industry. There’s been so many great movies that I’m actually excited to see the Academy Awards this year. I’ve got a few choices that I’ll really be pushing for but with such great choices all around, it’ll be hard to be disappointed. So here they are in ascending order: my 10 best movies of 2008.

10. Cloverfield

I think a lot of people have forgotten all about this one. Not surprising since it came out in January but what a way to kick off the year. I still remember the insane amount of hype and irritating level of secrecy that led up to its release. I must give a standing ovation to whoever was in charge of marketing this thing because he/she/they are a genious. From that first image of a decapitated Lady Liberty to the first trailer without an actual title it all just made me want to see it more and more. It seemed impossible that it would be able to live up to expectations but this movie not only met those expectations, it surpassed them. If any movie deserved the descriptor of being a rollercoaster ride, it is Cloverfield. This movie also holds the 2008 record for most times I saw a movie in the theater at 3.

9. City of Ember

I know very few people who have seen this and I only hope that it becomes a hit on DVD because it really is a fun little children’s film. I saw this at a local dollar theater one day when I was bored and had a few hours to kill. Nothing else there sounded appealing and I remembered hearing that Bill Murray was in this so I decided to give it a shot. In the theater was just me, a homeless looking guy and two young women. I propped my feet up and pretty soon, I was swept up in this fantastic adventure tale. The production designer deserves some major kudos for this. The story is a rather simple one but I was so captivated by it that I didn’t care. And honestly, sometimes you just need a break from heavy material and this is just the movie to see if you’re looking for a fun, adventure movie. I walked out of the theater an hour and a half later feeling like a kid again.

8. The Wrestler

Darren Aronofsky is quickly becoming one of my favorite directors. The Fountain is one of my favorite movies ever and The Wrestler is yet another fantastic movie on his resume. It’s been said many times before but Mickey Rourke truly does give the best performance of the year. Seriously, if he doesn’t get the Oscar, the academy is off their rocker.

7. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

David Fincher is another one of my directors and Benjamin Button is a departure from his usual work which is rather kinetic and stylish. One could almost see his previous feature Zodiac as being a stepping stone toward this film. This is not to downplay Zodiac because I love it dearly but both of these movies are rather slow and have long running times. Normally this would entail the movie would be boring but somehow he manages to keep it interesting. Despite the fact that Benjamin Button is 20 minutes shy of 3 hours in length, I never felt the length. The cinematography is absolutely stunning and special effects are fantastic. I never thought I’d be able to say it but I actually respect Brad Pitt as an actor. He’s a keeper.

6. The Fall

The Fall is one of the most visually dynamic films I’ve ever seen. The amount of imagination on display is, at times, jaw dropping. There are things in this movie that you have never seen and will probably never see again. It is a fascinating story to watch unfold as you learn more and more about this stuntman and the demons he is battling within himself and how it correlates with the story he tells to the little girl he befriends. I don’t want to give too much away here but the ending is truly a thing of beauty and incredibly moving.

5. Burn After Reading

I’ve always been more of a fan of the Coen brothers’ comedies than their serious material although I think they do both spectacularly. Burn After Reading is just absurd comedy that only gets better the more absurd it gets. Every actor in this movie is completely ridiculous and obviously having a great time. Old Coen film standby George Clooney and newtimer to the Coen world Brad Pitt are delightful to watch and side-splittingly funny. Their first meeting (you know the one I’m talking about) had me rolling for minutes afterward. This year we got to see Brad Pitt at his goofiest in this movie and at his most subdued in Benjamin Button and he’s just fantastic in both of them.

4. Slumdog Millionaire

As I said in my previous review, this movie is bursting at the seams with life, energy and optimism. Not an easy thing for a movie that also features brutality and heartbreaking sadness. It’s a story about rising up out of the dirt and grime and being alive. What really got me was the love story and the never tiring search for one’s true love.

3. The Dark Knight

Honestly, what can I say about this that hasn’t already been said a billion times before? Heath Ledger’s performance alone is enough to give this movie a high ranking but it also benefits from deep subject matter and great direction. There is simply no way that any superhero movie will be able to topple this film. Seeing this in IMAX was one of the best theater going experiences of my life.

2. In Bruges

This movie caught me completely off guard. Me and a friend were hanging out in Downtown Brea and decided we wanted to see a movie. It was still pretty early in the year so there weren’t a whole lot of standout movies yet. My friend suggested we see In Bruges because he’d heard some good things about it. First of all, I was bowled over by the fact that I actually liked Colin Farrell. Secondly, I was impressed by the both hilarious and emotionally engrossing script. I’m very glad I hadn’t seen the trailer beforehand because it makes this movie look like a rollicking madcap shoot-em-up. It’s much better and deeper than that. The dialogue is fast, fun and witty.

1. WALL-E

Who woulda thunk it? The movie that tugged my heart strings the hardest, that made me fall in love with the characters the most, that brought tears to my eyes, is a movie about two robots in love. The space dancing scene was simply the most beautiful moment of any film that I’ve seen this year and I never wanted that moment to end. WALL-E is my favorite Pixar film right before Finding Nemo. Coincidentally, both are by the same director, Andrew Stanton. This post is taking forever to write because every time I think about the movie, I start remembering different scenes and remembering just how in love I am with this movie. I just can’t convey how in love with this movie I am.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Rating: Worthy

Leave it to Francis Ford Coppola to bring an old cinema style to the story of Dracula. This is Gothic romance at its finest. It feels almost as if this were made in another era apart from certain actors like Anthony Hopkins and Keanu Reeves. I don’t want to beat a dead horse here but I just could not help but laugh at Keanu’s British accent. On the opposite side of the spectrum, you have Gary Oldman who gets completely lost in his character and it’s remarkable to see.

There isn’t a frame of CGI in the picture and knowing this fact beforehand made the effects all the more impressive. It also made me realize how much I take for granted because CGI these days is so simple. Coppola took the time to actually figure out how to make some of these things work and the effect is truly breathtaking. There are so many surreal images that you’d imediately think that it was done using CG trickery when in fact, it was all done in camera, on film. This, coupled with its grandiose vision and Gothic style make this a worthy film.

The Spirit
Rating: Unworthy

Frank Miller is a great visual artist. He paints pretty pictures and makes good artwork. Frank Miller is not a good director. At all! The Spirit has a lot of visual dazzlement and pizazz but it is a terrible, terrible movie. The actors in this movie are awful. They are either cardboard or (in Sam Jackson’s case) devour the scene. Frank Miller also has no sense of comedic timing or even any idea of how to actually tell a joke. There were moments where I knew I should have been laughing but every attempted joke just fell flat. All of the goon clones (I forget what they’re called in the movie) are incredibly annoying from the first moment they appear onscreen. The plot makes no sense so I won’t even bother repeating it here.

I’m really surprised this movie got away with a PG-13 rating. The opening of the movie has two characters brutally beating the crap out of each other for about 5 minutes, a character’s hand gets blown off, people are decapitated, a character commits seppuku and people are shot multiple times. I suppose this is because everything is rather cartoony but I still found it to be rather grusome at times.

Slumdog Millionaire
Rating: Worthy

Who would have thought that a movie that starts with torture could be such a feel good crowd pleaser? What amazes me most about Danny Boyle is that you can’t pin him down to a specific genre or type of movie and each one is a great film. Boyle is not one to settle for what sells or to be hemmed in by a reputation for certain kinds of films.

The structure of the movie is unique and adds so much to the story. The movie is practically bursting with life even in the slums and the story is a thing of beauty. I can find no fault in this movie. It hits every note perfectly and the emotions are all earned. I don’t know how they did it but the kid actors they found were truly phenomenal. At the end of this, I was grinning like an idiot and wanted to see it again as soon as it was over. This has been a good year for true love first with WALL-E and now Slumdog Millionaire.

Let The Right One In
Rating: Worthy

This is the second vampire movie I saw this week and both treat their subject vastly different. While sharing some of the same plot elements of the recently popular film and book series Twilight, the two films could not be more different. This is a quiet and calculating horror film the likes of which have not been seen since Kubrick’s The Shining. The horror elements do not often come into play but when they do, it’s terrifying. Here is a movie that treats their vampires without a shred of camp or Gothic romance. In this way, it’s one of the most “realistic” portrayls of vampires ever brought to screen. They do not become hideous beasts or have retractable fangs. They are so realistically portrayed that you’d almost think they might actually be living among us. Again, the child actors in this project a deepness and sense of wisdom that you don’t often get to experience in actors this young.

Disaster Movie
Rating: The Most Unworthy

That’s it! There is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing that can top this movie in pure, ultimate suck. Did I just call this turd a movie? That’s my bad. Do not let the title fool you! This is not a movie! This is not even parody! This is literally a string of unconnected and completely disjointed references to other movies. The “jokes” were so non-contextual that I started to keep a tally of just how many times references were pulled out of absolutely nowhere. I counted at least 50 instances. There are literally at least 50 instances where a character or “celebrity” will appear without any reason for it at all! Not only that, but when a character or celebrity does appear, another person will literally point and say, “It’s Jessica Simpson!” or “It’s Amy Winehouse!” or “Hey look, it’s Batman!”. I counted at least a dozen times where this happens. I also started counting instances where the main characters stand and stare as a joke happens. I made it to a dozen and just couldn’t bring myself to care after that.

The two female characters you see in the picture above are the two most annoying people in the history of the entire known and unknown world. I prayed to God at so many points that he would just reach through the TV and strike them down. 30 minutes through and I was near suicidal. It was only my trusty notepad that saved me from smothering myself with my own pillow. You will notice I was forced to create a whole new rating category for this atrocity. It is near indescribable just how bad this movie is. (Crap! I referred to it as a movie again) This is as best as I can describe it: This is what Satan plays on repeat in the lowest circle of Hell. This garbage heap was made for the sole purpose of torturing the worst of the worst souls in Hell.

If I seem calm it’s because this cinematic kanker sore literally ripped my soul clean out of me. I have no energy left in me to be angry. Just severely depressive. I think I can muster some for my final thought on this movie pile of rotting crap though.

GO TO HELL FRIEDBERG AND SELTZER!

Man, that felt good.

So this is the trailer for the upcoming My Bloody Valentine 3D.

Are audiences really as stupid as this trailer makes them out to be? I’m hoping that this is at the very least insulting to the people who watch it. Does anybody honestly think that fire is going to leap out of the screen? I sincerely hope not and yet I cannot help but think that Lionsgate knows exactly what it’s doing. I just know that there are some people out there thinking “I’d better sit near the back so I don’t get my hair singed”.

And really, does anybody need to be sold on the concept of 3D these days? It isn’t like this is new or even foreign technology. It seems like everybody is doing 3D now. I recently saw Bolt in 3D and I’m almost certain that making it 3D was almost an afterthought as it didn’t really add anything to the movie. James Cameron’s Avatar will be in 3D and Toy Story 3 will be as well. I have no problem with 3D but I think that unless it adds something, it’s just a cheap gimmick. Beowulf was made with the intention of being in 3D and used it appropriately. I’m hoping that the upcoming movies I’ve mentioned will do as Zemeckis did and not just use it as a selling point.

Is the average movie goer stupid enough to think 3D means “things literally fly out at you”? Is 3D a cheap gimmick or a legitmate film device?

2009 is now upon us. A year of possibilities and promises. New Years resolutions to be broken, movies to be seen. With a whole year of movies ahead of us, it is a good time to plan out those movies that really matter. Here are the top 18 movies that I’ll be looking forward to this year.

Coraline - February 6
A new claymation film from the director of Nightmare Before Christmas and based on a story by Neil Gaiman? Yes PLEASE!

Fanboys - February 6
A group of friends journey to Skywalker Ranch to steal Star Wars: Episode I before its release. This film has been on a long and difficult road to getting released but now it’s finally coming to theaters. The story behind the film itself is worthy of a film or at least an inspirational TV movie.

Watchmen - March 6 (hopefully)
It’s no stretch to call this the most anticipated movie of the year. With the release date threatened by legal action, fans can only hope that both Fox and Warner’s can pull their heads out of their butts and come to an agreement soon.

The Great Buck Howard - March 20
This out-of-nowhere film stars John Malkovich and Colin Hanks. From the trailer it looks rather charming. That, and Conan O’Brien and Jon Stewart appearing as themselves doesn’t hurt either.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - May 1
The trailer makes this look like it could actually be a decent spinoff. I just hope they don’t screw up Gambit. That guy is pretty cool in the comics.

Star Trek - May 8
I’m not a Trekkie by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve never seen any of the series and I’ve only seen the second and third movies but thanks to J.J. Abrams, I am super excited about this movie. The presence of Simon Pegg also helps a lot too.

Brothers Bloom - May 15
The second feature by writer/director Rian Johnson. I saw his first film Brick in the theater and was blown away by it. This one looks to be a lot of fun and is one of my most anticipated of 2009. If you haven’t seen Brick yet, do yourself a favor and go buy it.

Avatar - May 22
I don’t know a whole lot about this movie other than it is directed by James Cameron. That’s enough for me.

Monsters vs. Aliens - May 22
If the title alone doesn’t do it for you, then maybe the voice talent will: Seth Rogen, Hugh Laurie, Rainn Wilson, Stephen Colbert, Will Arnett. How can this not be good? I submit that it cannot not be good.

Up - May 29
One word: Pixar.

The Boat That Rocked - probably May
Written and directed by Richard Curtis who was also a frequent colaborator of Rowan Atkinson’s Mr. Bean series and starring awesome people like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy and Nick Frost. According to IMDb, there’s no US release date yet but it comes out in the UK in mid May so I assume it’ll be state bound a little while after that.

The Hangover - June 12
The premise sounds merely okay, but it’s got Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis in it.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - July 17
This was the most intense in the series of books and I pray to God that they rertain that intensity in the film.

District 9 - August 14
I saw banners for this at Comic-Con and had no clue what it was. It wasn’t until yesterday when I was putting this list together that I saw that it is written and directed by Neill Blomkamp who made the fantastic short film Alive in Joburg (which you may still be able to find on YouTube) and was signed to direct the Halo movie before it went under. Little is known about this movie but I eagerly await this visionary director’s new film.

Inglorious Basterds - August 21
Quentin Tarantino. He may be overrated, but his movies are pretty fun. This one gets me excited because it looks unlike anything Tarantino has done before.

9 - September 9
I hadn’t heard anything about this movie before seeing the trailer and it absolutely blew me away. You can see it in high quality on apple’s trailer site. Produced by Tim Burton, this looks like a steampunk adult’s CG movie. September is much too far away.

Where the Wild Things Are - October 16
I never read the book that this is based on but I absolutely love Spike Jonze and this looks amazing. I’ve heard that Jonze and the studio have had difficulties with each other but all that seems to be panning out nicely.

The Wolf Man - November 6
Family friendly Joe Johnston isn’t the first person you’d think of to bring this classic horror remake to the screen. From screenshots I’ve seen, this won’t be like his typical fare. And with makeup wizard Rick Baker doing the effects, it’ll look spectacular. I don’t know if he’ll ever top his werewolf transformation from An American Werewolf in London, but I’m crossing my fingers it at least won’t be a CG transformation.

The Lovely Bones - December 11
Written and directed by Peter Jackson. Need I say more?

What movies are you looking forward to in 2009?